THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH A SIDE OF PERSPECTIVE

Hello everyone

Today is Thanksgiving. Hopefully you all enjoyed the holiday and celebrated with family and friends. We celebrated today with sparkling grape juice and unlimited meat cuts (quite a treat), turkey and ham which were both good, albeit a little dry. Otherwise the day went on as any other. My darling wife and I are trying to see the holidays this year as just another day. We are trying not to focus on being separate during the holidays, it only makes them harder. Either way they are just another day away from home, and when they pass they are another day down towards coming back again. I guess you can look on the bright side and recognize that even as this is difficult now, it will only serve to make all the rest that much better upon my return, at least that is what I tell myself.
It’s been quite a while since I last wrote in the Blog. I actually intended to write about a week ago, but something ended up happening that I will relate now, but at the time I still hadn’t processed my feelings and I was somewhat unable to articulate them. A little over a week ago we went out on a mission that started out as any other, nothing unusual at all. Only just moments after we arrived, the gunner in the vehicle directly in front of us was shot. He was about 20 foot from us when it happened. Immediately everyone’s training kicked in and we all took up our respective positions and performed our prescribed duties until we could Medevac the soldier to safety. I won’t elaborate too much on the details but he is going to survive and should recover in time. The shot was most likely from a sniper who, luckily for him, never was located.
I wasn’t sure if I should write this and post it on the Blog. I didn’t want to upset any of my close family, but after this last week passed I dealt with the feelings and I now see it as part of my experience and therefore I think it should be addressed. I guess what took me so long to process was just how I actually felt. I never expected to feel the way I did. I guess when you think about getting into a life threatening situation you sort of think along the lines of heroics or how will you react. Well our reactions were a result of our training, but what you feel while it is all happening is a completely different story. Less than a minute after the shot went off we knew that the wound was likely not life threatening. Not to downplay the wound, the bullet had struck the soldier in the shoulder shattering his bone and causing a lot of damage, but under the hands of the medics shock was probably his worst enemy. As I took up a security position and scanned the horizon for the sniper a million things tried to run through my head at once, only none really succeeded. The only thing I could really think about was the scene unfolding about 4 feet behind me. The medics were working inside the well protected perimeter we had provided, cutting away the wounded soldier’s clothing and armor. Occasionally I glanced back over my shoulder. He was bleeding pretty badly, they had controlled it, but there was way more blood than I had expected or imagined. He was moaning and convulsing slightly as the medics treated his wound and fought to keep him from succumbing to shock. As I looked back towards the horizon I felt a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes, familiar enough, only I hadn’t felt anything quite like this ever before. It wasn’t sadness for the soldier exactly, that was part of it, but really it felt like I was feeling every emotion simultaneously. It was completely overwhelming. As I fought back the emotion and tried to concentrate on security one emotion surfaced and grew along with the lump in my throat, rage. With every faint moan and every drop of blood that spilled the feeling grew until it nearly consumed me. I have never felt rage before or real hate for that matter, but I think I know now what it is. I don’t even know exactly if my rage was directed at the sniper or the situation or what… I do know that who ever it was that fired that shot, he is lucky he didn’t show his face. Ultimately, after several tense minutes we finished the job we had come to do and we all packed up and left. Once back at the FOB it all began to sink in. Knowing that it was sheer chance that had chosen that PFC to be the target at that moment. Understanding that sometimes you really are just a spectator of your own life, and that you can only do what you know to be the right thing and hope for the best. Also knowing now what it means to hate. That to me was the real kicker. Many of you may not know me, but to those who know me best know that I may have been a rebellious teenager, full of angst, but real anger and hate have never been in me. It scared me then, as it still does now to have known that feeling. As I said earlier, now that a week has passed I feel I have been able to process the emotions and the experience, I only hope that that is the last time I will have to feel anything like that. I also hope that now knowing the feeling of hate, I can more fully appreciate what it means to love. I do love and miss my family and especially my beautiful wife. Keep praying for me and my fellow soldiers, we could use it. Until next time, take care and Happy Thanksgiving.